The drudgeries of the darkies...

If there is one thing that has been going on in my mind through the ages with the frequency of calls from Vodafone and the unpleasantness of a happy mallu song greeting you while on roaming from the same source (you have to feel it to understand it.. You are on roaming and pinching for money and the last thing you want is "thaangalkayi avatharipikkunnu.." Ente theivame!!!) it is the question of why I am dark while my brother is fair. Before you say "oh come on!" with the ceremonial rolling of the eyes, think why actresses spend millions of rupees every year to get that "purrrfect" complexion. And am not considering Bipasha Basu. I havent seen her without makeup, and if it is as I think, she would be classified under "Interesting, but at your own risk of social ostracism" category. Indians are racist. Period. Look at the amount of money generated by fairness products. The typical day of a girl would be.. get up, do ablutions, put fairness cream and massage the cream deeply into your skin, go to work, wash your face and massage the cream deeply into your skin at lunch, continue with work, come back home, wash your face and massage the cream deeply into your skin, go to sleep. And the happy part now is that now guys also have to do it, cos the once sensible girls are also into the fairness quotient of their mate. And so the guys also repeat the above algo albeit am not sure of the ablutions part..

And God, being the true benign being that He is, He made the people living above this totally arbit, imaginary, geographical line fair and those below, dark. And by dark, I mean charcoal dark. Not dusky-bong-beauty-dark. So if you happen to have a name like Mylai Mundakaneeswari or Chekkancheri Chakkochan or Rayalseema Renganna, chances are you will be the opposite of fair. No wonder there is so much of tension in the country. You don't realise how much this destroys the chances of Chakkochan hooking up with Hardeep or Mundakaneeswari with Kshitij. As an aside, look at the names that will come up if they indeed get married.. (shudder) So to help all the poor souls, including yours truly, I request you the reader to do the following algo everyday.

If you are dark {

1) Get up in the morning

2) Pray to God for a miracle

3) Watch the early sunlight turn your skin into the color of orange, rather burnt orange

4) Use a good quality scrub everyday during bath to see your skin turn burnt red (No matter what color you aim for, it is going to be burnt, like the dishes in Vim ad)

5) Wear dark clothes, so you can see you are a burnt brown (may pass off as a tan)

6) a) You wont have much of a life beyond this point, so eat, work and go to sleep, but not before a generous dose of fair and lovely. Yeah, you are right, a burnt white. (Dark people are intelligent, are n't we?)

b) This way you can fool yourself into believing you are some color other than what you are, give fancy names to it, pump your dark fists into the air before crying yourself to sleep.

}

else {

1) Get up in the morning

2) If you are a guy, pray that Mundakaneeswari turns fair, or if you are a girl, pray for Chackochan.

3) You would be having a great night life, so chances are you miss the early morning sun. You are missing out a lot in life, you know.. (sigh, I wish that was true...)

4) No need to take a bath. Your aesthetic quotient does not need cleanliness.

5) Do I need to say this? You fairskins are dumb. You can wear anything. Even Ramarajan-meets-chennai superkings yellow.

6) Once a month, take a dark skinned person (decision based on logic in no.2 IF you are straight, our lives are pretty screwed up already) out on a date. And do not look at opposite sex of fairer complexion while doing so. This helps a lot for our self esteem. You are welcome to look at the darker types - it comforts us. Do not talk about movies, politics or religion as these abound with examples of vanilla being preferred over chocolate. Bring him/her back safely home and then you can go and mingle with your kind while he/she repeats 6b.

}

Inshallah, with this algo, all we darkies will together collectively get a lifetime of dates with a fairy. ;-) (You have got the better complexion, so we get the better name)